I feel like everything is currently coming at me. Everyone needs something from me and I just don't know how I can manage it all.
Things in my house keep breaking. The water heater, the always leaking roof, my mailbox - so much that needs to be done outside. I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to get this house together and try to sell it. I'm so ready to live somewhere else - a nicer house hopefully.
Then I have my other house - I have slowly been getting more done - I just generally only have 1 day to work on it per week.
I have 2 other major projects for other people in the works as well and need to fit those in sometime.
I could do more if I gave up going to the gym. I really want to go to the gym more than 2 days per week - but for now that is all that has been working. I think I need to keep doing this. I can feel myself getting stronger. I avoided going yesterday because it was a partner workout....plus I had to get some groceries. I just don't feel like I'm anywhere near the other gym members. I hope to be better in about a month.
I'm just all over the place and feel like I'm drowning. I need to find a way to manage everything - but I don't see that happening without a clone - and 2 of me wouldn't be all that fun.
I was listening to Woman Like You by Lee Brice on my way to work. I've always liked that song and hoped that Dave thought the same way of me. I don't know if he did. I know he loved being a father and he loved me - but I often wondered if he would have preferred to be free and single. He never said that - but I'm sure many guys feel that way. I was a pain to live with sometimes and the responsibilities are overwhelming as an adult sometimes. However - I hope that he knew how much I did strive to be the best wife possible. Did I make mistakes - sure - lots of them! Do I regret so many things....yep I do. I can't do anything about that now.
Right before Dave died - probably a week or 2 - I remember him standing in the living room and just looking at us. I think I was doing laundry or something and the kids were doing something. He has this look on his face that I had never seen. I wasn't sure if it was anger - or what. I asked him if he was mad at me. I couldn't think of anything that I had done - I was trying to be extra considerate around that time (because I knew he was really stressing about work). He said it was absolutely not me. The way he said it made me think it was something else - other than work. I have no idea. I just sit here now and wonder if he somehow knew that we'd be all alone soon and he wouldn't be here to look at us anymore. It is so sad to think that he knew.
I just really hope that he knew how much we loved him and that I knew life would always suck without him here by my side. He should be here!! We need him.
I've really been struggling lately with jealousy. I've never really been all that jealous of a person.
I was never the smartest kid in school - but I did pretty well and I know that I did my best most of the time so I was happy with that. I didn't even get all that mad if I didn't get the highest grade. I just strived to do the best I could.
I was never the best dressed for sure - but I made it a point to look the best that I could with what I had. Do I look back on pictures now and laugh? Sure - of course I do - but at the time I looked pretty decent and liked what I wore.
I've never been considered the pretty one - I didn't really even wish that I was prettier. I wasn't really in to boys - I was in to my school work more than anything else. I didn't have a problem getting a boyfriend either - or people that wanted to ask me out. I was glad that I wasn't super pretty - I wouldn't like the attention that those girls got. I'm stuck with the face I have - nothing can change that (other than plastic surgery) and I'm not about to get that. I've always tried to add makeup to help - but I always end up just looking the same or like a hooker. I won't leave the house without it - but I don't wear a lot. I certainly don't think I'm hideous. I think Malea is beautiful and I am always told she looks like me - so I take some comfort in that. I guess people don't say - what an ugly child you have though....
My weight has been an issue my whole life. Of course - I look back now and realize I actually looked pretty great - and am mad that I didn't feel better about myself....at least with my weight. I'm always working on it and am really trying to do better...but I can't help how slowly the weight comes off. I just wish I would have not let it get as bad as it has :( I'm not really jealous of others though - I know it is my own journey and no body is the same or responds the same. I'd love to look like Carrie Underwood (my idea of what I'd love to look like)...but know that will never happen - plus she's way younger than me.
Other than my weight - I've dealt with all of the other stuff fairly well and know that I am who I am and nothing can really change that. I think I'm pretty great - just hard to get to know - which has always been a downfall.
Just lately - I'm really struggling with everyone else being happy. There are so many happy couples. I had that once.....I really miss it. I miss seeing my kids loved by someone other than me and excited to see them as much as I am. I feel bad that I have this sadness about seeing happy people. I wish I could be that way again. It will never be that way. Even if I did ever happen to find someone to love me - they would never love my kids the way that Dave did. They most likely will never have someone that cares about them as much as I do or as much as Dave did. I know I have family that really does love them - but they have their own lives and plenty of other people to care about as well. I'm it - I'm all they have. I need to find a way to be happy. They deserve to have a Mom that wants to live life and doesn't dread every single day wondering what will go wrong.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for....I just wish I could feel that I'm doing ok. I just constantly feel like I'm running this race that will never end - and the finish line is just getting further and further away. It's like I'm crawling through life when everyone else is running.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)