I know that is a stupid question. There isn't a way to know if what you are doing is the right way to go or if you are making a bad decision. You can only go with how you think and feel at the time of the decision. You may constantly question it and come back to it and realize you went the wrong way - but there are no certainties in life.
Malea has been struggling lately. She's actually doing really well. She's been very happy and we haven't had too many issues where we butt heads lately. It is nice to be in that place. However - she's having a tough time with friends. She currently doesn't have any friends. She says she has people to talk to at school - but they would never hang out. She's just in a tough place. I remember being there. For me -it happened in 6th grade. She's had a rough couple of years. I'm sure she's pushed some people away that will never come back. I think she attracted some of these so called friends because of how down she was. I can't say that I'm sad at the loss of a couple of these friendships. I never have felt that they were good for her. I have never felt that she had any friends that truly cared about her. I suppose you don't really ever have that in middle school.
Unfortunately for her - I'm in the same boat and have been for the past 20 years. I don't have one person that would hang out with me either. I have people that I occasionally talk to when I see them. Most of those people I don't even know their phone number - but even if I did - I woud never call them. However - I think Malea is pretty awesome. Her love of anime and horror films is quite strange to me - but other than that - she's pretty fun. Just last night she was rolling around the floor laughing becasue she couldn't stop. Granted - she was laughing at me and my lack of being able to be as flexible as her - but it was nice to see her like that. Sometimes I feel bad that she's the person I go to for advice - to ask her if my outfit looks ok. I normally don't think she's listening to me or telling me the truth - but she's the one I go to.
Malea is seriously thinking of changing schools next year. She wants to go to the district I work in. I had planned on maybe switching Keagan in 2 years. Next year my favorite teacher will be his teacher and I want to keep him there. It would be hard allowing her to do anything extra if she's 45 minutes from home. I could keep a closer eye on her from here for sure. I just don't know. I like Three Rivers and I like that any event she would do is very close to our house. She rarely has friends over now - so it would be nearly impossible with the distance of the new school. If I had not just bought our house and really love it there - I would just move. We wouldn't get as nice of a house and definitely wouldn't have a pool if we decided to move though. I'm just really in a tight spot trying to weight the options.
There isn't one thing that is good about single parenting. At least I haven't found it. I'm fortunate that I have only been a single parent for 3 years. I know what it is like to not be a single parent. It was pretty awesome. We were great partners. We each had our kid - Dave had Malea and I had Keagan that we had wrapped around us. Dave was so hard on Keagan - mainly because he was just his curious little kid that got in to everything and just was always on the go. Malea was a pretty easy kid - and didn't get in to everything. She could ask Daddy for anything and he'd get it for her. Don't get me wrong - I love both of my kids - I think just Malea takes more after me and Keagan more after Dave - so I think you always butt heads more with the kid more like you. Malea was just always more Daddy's girl and it killed me at times - so I was glad that Keagan was more of a Momma's boy.
I miss that united front, that sounding board though. I have some people (family members) that try to stick up for me and try to tell my kids to listen. My kids don't take well to that - they kind of think - you aren't my parent - what are you doing. I know I would have felt the same way. Dave didn't exactly have the best time getting them to listen to me either. I was so mean this weekend - I was just really crabby most of last week and wasn't very nice. My meaness was warranted - I'm tired of doing most things by myself - but I still felt bad with how much I was yelling. It isn't like it helps - they just get upset and that makes them work even slower.
Sometimes I just need a break - but my only break is when I'm at work or working out. Keagan always wants to go everywhere with me - so I don't go to the store or anything usually without him. I feel bad if I do anything without either one of them. Sometimes I think - I'll go to the store on my way home from work - but usually I'll talk myself out of it because I just feel bad getting home later.
They are older now and Malea can keep an eye on Keagan (he doesn't really need one - but at least she's there if something major goes wrong). I just like to at least pop in and check on things before I do something else.
I also miss Dave telling me to chill out. He knew when I was at my breaking point and would just be like - "Ange - chill out - I'll take care of it." I would be mad that he would say that - but it really did help. He certainly didn't clean up every day - but there were days I would come home to a pretty clean house. It was always so nice. That definitely doesn't happen now. It certainly could - my kids are capable - but they never do it. Their idea of clean and mine are just not the same. A room can have trash laying everywhere and they still think it is clean - it gets on my nerves. I know that this definitely is an all parent thing - not just a single parent thing. I asked them the other day if I was going to have to come to their house and clean because they were incapable. They said no - but I have my doubts. They both should wear glasses - but I'm still pretty sure they can see that a room is not clean. Is it really that hard?
I got my house about 75% clean this weekend - was hoping to be in the 90% - but didn't happen. I did manage to bring in some more stuff from the garage and get rid of a box in my office. I'm getting there - slowly but surely. I had not been bringing much in from my garage lately - but I really need to. I still have quite a few things that I'd really love to find. I still never found my wireless vacuum - so annoyed that it went missing. I have the charger - but the vacuum disappeared. I think I looked in every box at least for that - and never found it.
Malea has been doing really well the last couple of weeks. She hangs out upstairs a lot more and we've played a couple of games lately. I've heard her on the phone a couple of times as well and her teachers have really noticed a difference. She has been trying to be more helpful to me as well - she just still doesn't do some things because she says I just do it better. They both say that - that doesn't mean they shouldn't try. I'd be totally fine with a job 75% finished and I just have to touch it up. It still saves me time - they just don't seem to get that I work all day, am working on 2 houses, do the laundry, dishes and cooking almost every day - as well as I didn't make half the messes in the house!!
I was sitting in church the other day waiting for the service to start. I've questioned so much over the last few years. I'm no closer to answers though it seems.
In high school I was so strong. I even would have some debates at lunch with some other students about the existence of God. I didn't have any doubts then. I was just so positive that he was there for me . I went to pretty much every youth group activity and went to church 3 times per week. I didn't work on Sundays so that I could go to church. I rarely missed a Sunday.
Everything changed in 1998. It was a horrible year for me - bad breakup, one of my best friends was severely injured and I moved to the other side of the state. I still tried to get involved in the church my parents were married in. It wasn't what I was used to - but I still tried and went every Sunday. I didn't have that group to keep me grounded.
I didn't really have much of a group at church before I moved either since most of my friends were away at college - but I did have a few. I was the co-activities director for our youth group and it was a blast doing that. With my friends mostly away and my family moving - I had no choice really but to move as well. I didn't want to - but I did.
I really wasn't a fan of the church I was going to but with my lack of being able to make friends - I wasn't very good at trying to find another church to go to. I met Dave and he would go with me as well. Once we got married we still attended - but there were some issues there and we knew we'd be moving - so we planned to look elsewhere. Dave had his own issues with religion and had a horrible experience growing up in the religion he did. He did get invovled with the softball team but not much after that. Once he got a job at Target - he worked every Sunday and it was very sporadic for him to go to church with me. Once we had kids I kept trying to go every week - but I started skipping services more and more. Once I had Keagan - and we discovered all of his allergies I was afraid to put him in the nursery - so I went until he got too crazy to keep with me.
I was determined to keep my kids in church which is why they've always been in AWANA. There was a time though when we went to quite a few different churches and didn't really have a home church.
Fast forward to Dave's death and it was not a good time for me. I didn't have a home church - I was still trying to find one. Dave was working so much that on the weekends he didn't work - we went out as a family since we hardly saw him. It was so hard to figure out what to do for the funeral.
With some encouragement from family members - I sought out another church and found the one I'm attending now. I feel better here than some of the other churches I attended for sure. I still feel like a huge outsider. I've tried to get involved - but with my schedule I keep finding that I can't hardly make any meetings to try to get involved more :(
I don't know if fitting in to the church is the answer. I just feel so far from God. I feel like he couldn't care much less about me. I certainly haven't felt him protecting me or watching out for me over the last 3 years. I'm not even talking about him taking the love of my life - that was a crap thing to do. I know that is probably not nice to say - but it wasn't very nice. Blah Blah Blah - there is supposed to be a plan. Still waiting to see what kind of plan there is for me. I think it might be - let's just see how much Ange can take....like a game or something. Maybe he likes to have fun and my life is humorous to him. I don't know.
I'm just not in the best place and I keep trying to push through this and I don't know how to. I'll take a step forward and then 20 steps back. I guess I keep moving forward though, right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
I'm still not sure if this church is where I should be - but don't have another place that I've checked out. I do have a few people that say Hi to me and talk to my kids - so for that I think I'll stay put for a little while.
Please just pray for me - I still hope that something good comes out of my life and hope that what I've done so far in my life isn't all that I have to show. I really feel like I'm meant to do something with this crappy hand that I was dealt. The thing that I've really been thinking about strongly over the last year keeps coming up and I'd love to do it. I just don't know how or if it could even be possible. It would be a non-profit type thing and I don't know anyone that knows anything about that. From what I've read - that is what I need to start with - talk to people about what I want to do and get advice - so not good at that.
Well - that is enough rambling and I don't know what the point of this was...but there it is. Sorry for any misspellings or grammatical errors- I'm not proofing it right now.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)