I've been facing a real fear lately and it is becoming very debilitating. Malea wasn't feeling well today and I had to leave her home. I gave her a few hours and then tried to contact her. I tried for 2 hours and couldn't get her to answer the home phone or the many times I tried Facetime to her ipad. She never answered. I made the decision to drive the 40 minutes home from work to check on her.
She was fine - she was sleeping. She's a heavy sleeper and the phone doesn't wake her up (not much does). This is like the 5th time I've completely flipped out when I couldn't contact her.
I'm so afraid that something is going to happen to her. She has been doing better - really trying to do better in many areas as well. I just keep worrying that she's become really good at hiding and really isn't doing better.
I blame myself for not knowing there was something wrong that night of May 18, 2014. It didn't concern me that he had not called me back - Sundays were usually very busy for him at work. I just went about my night with not a worry in my mind about him because I thought he was safe at work. That whole time - he was dead. I just can't get past that and do not trust myself any longer. I try to tell myself that Malea is just sleeping and that she's fine - but the rest of me makes my head not believe that and I have to rush home to check on her.
This can't be healthy - but I don't know what I can do. I know that I will not be ok if something happens to either of my kids. They really get me through each day.
Parenting a teenager is hard. It took a lot of time and effort to parent a baby - especially because I didn't always know what was needed. I thought I did a fairly good job though. My kids were well loved and cared for and got plenty of attention. Dave and I fought over them constantly - as to who got to hold them or take them somewhere or whatever.
Malea has been such a struggle. She has such potential - but it seems like her one goal in life is to just make my life miserable. I am not sure if she means to do that - but it certainly feels like that. She seems to go out of her way to make everything so much harder. I know parenting was likely never supposed to be easy. However - it was meant for 2 people. It helped with 2 people - we could take turns dealing with things or we could at least talk to each other about what was so hard and come up with a plan. I have no clue what kind of plan that Dave would have now for all of these issues - but I know they wouldn't be this hard. He was such a good Dad - I never had to ask him to do much - he would just volunteer to hold them, change them, watch them while I did something. He just was awesome. He was almost always able to get through to Malea. I think she was more worried about disappointing him than anything. Maybe I get disappointed too easily and am impossible to please? Maybe that is my problem?
I went in to school with Malea today to talk to the counselor. Every morning is a struggle. Today Malea was throwing up. It has become a pattern for many Mondays - especially those after a break. I no longer care that she throws up - I really don't think it is a virus. It is something to do with her - it is anxiety or something. Mornings have never gone well - but they have been increasingly worse since returning after Christmas break.
I'm so tired of fighting. I don't want to be this person that yells and cries all the time. Then I get frustrated and feel like I'm being too selfish - wanting some extra help around the house. I feel like that is acceptable. I had a very large load of work as a kid and I still did my chores. I know I shouldn't compare my kids to me - I just don't know how else to look at it. I was certainly a procrastinator - but I never would have missed so much school or school work. I know though that people pleasing is such a fault of mine - which also allowed me to excel at school. It is just difficult to know what the best way is. I know that it isn't what I've been doing - that obviously isn't working.
I do know though - that there isn't much more I can do. It is all in her hands and that is so hard. I feel like she's never going to want to do anything. How do you motivate someone to just live - and not want to just sleep or escape all the time.
I told the counselor today that I'm not capable of picking her up and taking her down the stairs. Maybe I should get a 1 story house and then it might be an option to do that - I could get a dolly and push her at least.
We have our therapy tonight - but I don't feel like that gets us anywhere. She has also told Malea that she needs to make herself do things.
I feel like I'm trying - but it isn't apparent to anyone but me. I suppose that I'm not trying hard enough. I Just need to learn to not need so much sleep - that might solve my problems....however that isn't healthy and I know I'll never lose weight if I don't sleep enough.
Please just pray - anyone that is willing that I can get through this and am able to come out on the other side. I certainly pray that parenting a teenage boy isn't going to be quite this hard!
For the past few month or so I thought I was doing ok. I was super stressed out - and going crazy at times. I was doing more though, which I took as a good sign. I was doing more around the house and making more meals at home. Of course - I haven't worked on my other house and really need to get over there so I can get it done. I just decided to focus on a few other things right now that need my attention.
I've really been trying to do the best I could. I've been trying to step up and be harder on my kids and address some issues that have come up recently in other areas.
My kids had their well checks ups. Malea's Dr. surely made me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I feel like all of my energy is being wrapped up in her. I'm constantly on her about everything and checking up on her. The Dr. said I need to do more though....I just don't know how I'm supposed to fit more in. She did say that I was too nice in regards to loads of other things - like at the psych office and with Malea especially. I just don't feel like I'm being that nice. I feel really mean.
I know I give my kids more than they need - we have always done that though. It is a little excessive now I suppose - but I still feel very much like I'm constantly letting them down. I'm just trying to make up for my lack of being able to constantly be there for them.
Malea is now 5'6.25 - so she is a 1/4 inch taller than me. I'm not sure that she looks it yet - but it was inevitable. Keagan is 59.5 inches and weights a hefty 60 lbs. Keagan is in the 71st percentile for height and 80th for weight - but the Dr. said that it was all good since he's all muscle. He sure is - he's a strong one! Malea is in the 96th percentile for height and 80th for weight. I don't know how they do those weight ones because I definitely don't feel like either of my kids are fat - but I think because they are taller - height isn't taken in to consideration.
I finally joined a gym and am trying to do that. I feel ok doing it since I am able to go home and see the kids for a while before I go to the gym. Tonight Malea really wanted to stay the night at my parents after a YFC outing. I didn't think I could do that since I go to the gym at 8am tomorrow. However - I reached out to my BIL and was able to get Keagan to spend the night there. It is good for my kids to get away from each other occasionally. I'll be alone - but I have plenty to do - so it won't be that bad. I won't be home until late enough anyway and go to the gym in the morning. I generally hate sleeping alone - and hope that since I haven't been sleeping well - tonight will be good.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)