I am really struggling with the fact that my kids only have one parent. There are so many people out there that say - I was raised by a single parent and I turned out fine. Dave was raised by a single parent and he was fine too. However - I don't know anyone as an adult that was raised by a widowed parent. It is not the same as a single parent. There are usually also 2 different types of average single parents. There are those who were once happily married and it just didn't work out. Some still have the 2 parents parenting the child - just separately and others where one parent chooses not to be in the child's life anymore. Then there are the other single parents that have never had the support from the other parent and have always parented the child alone.
Some of these kids are not fine - and some are. I guess it is hard to know what kids will do and how they will react to things.
I had everything - the other parent who supported me through everything - told me when I was being stupid and irrational. Now I'm just the not sensible me that can't think straight when I'm really upset. My kids now have nobody to go to when they are mad at me - they don't even really have each other and won't for a long time. They are so far apart in ages and are just completely different types of people. There are so many times I remember as a kid going to my Dad when my Mom just didn't get what I was trying to say. I've been the sounding board many times for my siblings when they have any type of issue.
I have many people that love my kids - but not many that would ever say anything to me - and I'm not really sure if either one of my kids would ever seek someone else out to talk to. Malea is more the type to just let things fester and just be mad. She'll just not talk to anyone (like me) when she's upset. She also won't apologize if she caused you any pain. Keagan is the lover - if he upsets you - he tries to overly comfort you. If you upset him - he pretty much tells you...or makes you feel worse than you should. I would say Malea is much more like me (with her Dad's temper) and Keagan is like Dave (but with my temper). The are both incredibly stubborn - which they get from all sides. I generally give in to everything - if people upset me - I always take the blame as if it is my fault. I won't continue to argue if I'm being attacked. I don't stand up for myself at all. I think both of my kids do stand up for themselves for the most part - I tried to teach them that - they just won't learn from me by doing :(
I so fear that they will grow up and hate me - and feel like the wrong parent died.
I am so trying to do everything to show them that I'm here for them and I'm really sorry this is the life they were dealt. There are some people that want me to be positive and I'm really trying to be positive that we can still have a decent life. I do know that I'm not incompetent and can provide for my kids. I will not be happy about this life though - I will never be happy that my life has been completely ripped out from under me and I'm pretty much drowning with just a few trips up for air.
I'm not trying to bash other single parents - or those that were raised by single parents, and I hope I didn't offend anyone. It is just different - and I feel like it is comparing apples to oranges. We definitely have some of the same struggles - I agree with that. For some reason though - single parents that were either divorced, never together or whatever certainly seem to get a lot more help and have a better outlook I guess.
I almost think widowhood is like a disease....it isn't contagious - but people certainly act like it is. I'm already broken - but many certainly like to continue to smash the pieces.
I also suck at thanking the people that have been there for me. I always try to say thank you in other ways. I'm sorry to those that I haven't said thank you to.
When I first started at my job (4 years ago) I was told that it would be ok if I occasionally needed to work from home. I think the first year I may have worked from home one day that entire year. After all - I only needed to take care of my kids if they were sick on a Monday - since Dave was home the rest of the week. It was pretty much the same the 2nd year. Last year though (2013) - Dave started his job at AAM. He worked way more than I did and he made more than me. I had more sick and vacation time as well. I also could work from home - everything that I need to do - I can do all from home. They were very adamant that I couldn't work from home regularly - I understood that. They had issues with the person before - so totally understandable. Luckily, since Dave worked 2nd shift - I rarely had to take an entire day off. Usually if Keagan was sick - Dave would take care of him in the morning and then I would come home early and take a half sick day. Nobody ever seemed to complain about that.
I took a whole 6 days off when Dave died. I was busy every single one of those days - taking care of things. I worked the rest of May and the first 2 weeks of June until school was out, and then my work agreed to let me work from home 4 days per week for the summer. I felt very fortunate to be able to do this. I knew it wouldn't be a permanent fix. I always planned to go back to the office the day after school started (I always take the first day of school off so I can drop off and pick up my kids on their first day). I started getting an attitude from some people in August. I don't' know if they didn't know that was the agreement or what - but it was quite irritating.
My kids have been extra sick this year. Keagan always has issues - especially in the cold weather. Malea is just dealing with her grief in various ways and one is to get sick occasionally. It is just me - I very rarely have someone else to call to go pick up my kids if they are sick. If the school would let Malea walk home - there are days I would do that. It isn't really that far. So - I've needed to work from home more often. It isn't like I do it every week (there was about a month there that it was). I probably have worked from home once a month. Sometimes I just have stuff locally that I need to get done before everything closes and I can't unless I'm here to do it.
So - today the kids had a snow day. The roads were extremely slippery last night and Keagan had this awful cough anyway. So - I decided to work from home. I couldn't take a sick day - because I have so much work to do with it being the end of the semester. Around 9:30 (after I'd been working for about 2 hours) that I would have to take a vacation day. What? I've been working and have so much work to do. I'm not going to do double duty though. So - I sent a message to my boss. All the stuff I needed to do would have to fall on him - so he got on the phone with his boss. They ended up allowing me to go ahead and actually work.
Through that hour though - I was so upset. I was shaking and just crying :( I can't keep doing this. I do so much work and so many people love me....why are a few people (that apparently don't love me) making me feel like I don't do anything.
I seriously have debated taking a year or 2 off. I'm just so afraid of when I decide to go back to work - will I be able to go back and get a decent job. Will people look at my resume and think - what happened (though I'm sure my explanation would be justified). Things change all the time in IT....not using some of my skills would hinder me and some of my skills could be obsolete in a few years (not all though). I know many people that have left to be stay at home parents and have such a hard time getting back in to the work force. I guess most of them all have though....
After all this - my boss is trying to push for maybe defining my job differently. He totally understands where I'm coming from and doesn't think I'm being ridiculous. I wish I didn't have to be in this situation. I wish I still had my other half that could occasionally leave to go get our kids - or at least be close on a snow day when they have to be home. I don't have that though....and now I have all this other stress on top of everything else I'm trying to deal with :(
Sometimes people really suck....and I'm really going to have a hard time with this person that acts all nice to my face and really is not at all. I love how they think I'm just taking advantage of the situation - trust me I have made so many sacrifices to not work from home even more :(
Sorry for the lovely complaints I have....feels a little better to get that off my chest. Every time I think I'm going to be ok...stuff like this happens. I know that is the case for everyone....at least I have a job....it could be worse :( If I keep telling myself that - maybe I could keep moving ahead.
Yesterday, my brother-in-law was taking his boys sledding close to my house. He texted me and said he'd be there in case we wanted to come along. Malea didn't want to go - but Keagan did. Dave always took them sledding - at least a few times per winter. I'm not sure if they ever went last year with it being so cold. I know I didn't go. I generally stayed home to get things done and he didn't seem to mind. He knew I wasn't a big fan of the cold. It was nice yesterday though - I had to take my sweatshirt off because I was sweating! It was a nice time - but it also made me think about Dave.
Dave was certainly a one of a kind guy - at least it seemed to me in observance of other people and listening to others. I think part of it just had to do with the way he was brought up. As I was walking around at the park (we had to walk a lot when I first got there) - it was very slippery. There were tons of hills. Keagan, of course, has tons of energy and was so far ahead of me and just seems to run on snow without any issues. It was hard for me though - I really had a hard time with especially going down the hills. Dave always looked out for me in these situations. He knew the kids could take care of themselves - and he always made sure I wasn't going to fall. I'll miss that forever!
Tomorrow....I'm buying my first house to flip. I hope it is the first of many. I do know that it will make me miss Dave a lot. For the most part - we did all of our household projects together. Even if I was just painting - he'd help me by doing the edging and listen to me debate paint colors and give his opinions. I took the kids to Menard's to help me look at floors and paint. Malea gave her opinion on floors, but for paint they just grabbed a million samples. I'll have to narrow it down and try to figure out what I want. I have to think of the whole picture as well - since I'm selling it. I want it to show well - so I have to be smart!
This week is so busy - I hate being the only one that can drive everywhere. I only have one day this week to go to my flip house to work on it - and most of that time it won't have heat - since I'll be there waiting for them to come turn the gas on. I have something going on every other night! Hopefully that won't happen every week - I need more than just weekends!
Well - thanks for reading :) Have a great week!Well - thanks for reading :) Have a great week!
I've been so angry lately. I'm angry that Dave was taken from me so abruptly of course - but it is all just piling up.
I have some very important papers that have come up missing - due to someone putting them elsewhere. I had spent all last Friday sorting everything to file and had left a few piles out to deal with when I got back. They weren't there when I returned :( So - that has just been nagging at me while I continue to look for them :( It isn't something I can have replaced - so it is beyond frustrating.
I'm angry that I just have to constantly nag Malea :( I get that she's grieving as well - but just not doing things is not an option :( I've been wanting to go to the movies for 2 weeks now. I finally had planned to go today and she woke up and was very mean. Then I suggested it later and it was just not enough time for her to get ready. I can't leave her home alone - because she'll just not do what she's supposed to do.
Keagan is doing pretty great - I just wish he wouldn't fight with Malea so much. They both physically fight and it is just irritating. My sister and I fought occasionally - but my parents weren't home when we did....they actually just call me non stop when I'm not home whining about each other.
I'm angry that I can't motivate myself to do anything....I need to workout - I have actually had time to do it - I just can't make myself do it. It seems like looking in the mirror would be motivation enough - but sadly it is not :( I have at least kept the weight off that I lost since I started having gall bladder issues.
I just wish I could get past this. Malea said the other day that I was myself again - I wasn't as depressed. I tried not to have my grief affect them - but I guess I haven't succeeded. It is just so hard :(
I thought the holidays would be hard - but maybe they were just a distraction for me.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)