I remember the days when I would I would count my kids ages by months. At 10 months - they were very mobile and really getting in to things. They learned a lot in their little 10 months.
It has been 10 months since I lost the greatest man I have ever known. I certainly don't feel like I've learned a lot in those 10 months - I've just survived and done what I had to do. I still miss him so much every day - probably more so as every day goes by. He was still here at this time last year - we were discussing our family vacation to California and trying to work around his busy schedule. I have a family trip planned for this year - but I know it just won't be the same. It will be in one of his most favorite places on Earth.
I just hope he would be proud of me - proud of what I have accomplished so far. Proud of how hard I'm trying. I know he wouldn't be proud that I still cry and how horrible our yard looks. He woudln't be proud with how angry I get - and how crabby I am when I'm annoyed that I can't do something - or that the kids don't help - or that I'm the only one that can tell when a trash can is full (this used to drive him nuts).
I'm still unsure of what the future holds - and still have no hope for my own future. I don't know how there could be something planned for me. Some day I hope to at least be content - happiness is something I can't even fathom.
Malea says that she'll never be happy with our family because he isn't here. I'd love to be able to tell her that it doesn't have to be that way - but I feel the same way. I can just tell her - your Dad would want you to be happy. He would want to live and make something of yourself. He wouldn't want your life to end when his did. I know you are thinking - well - shouldn't you take your own advice? It just isn't the same - she still can do so much. She has some good friends and so much potential. She still does talk of having kids and of going to college. She has so much to look forward to in the future.
Keagan is still so young for me to imagine his future. It is so much harder for me to picture him in a few years because I had so many hopes of his Dad teaching him sports and mountain biking together. He was Dave's little buddy outside - he was always helping him. I certainly can't teach him sports - not if he is to excel at anything. I encourage him to keep doing push ups and trying to help me with things. I can't wait until he's a little older and can lend some muscle to help me.
Malea and I decided that we must go somewhere warm next winter to break up how horrible the winters now are. I think I'll try to think of something to do this summer and figure out when we'll go.
I am a wife and mother of 2. I have many different interests - baking, home renovations, music, education ;)